Marriage and stable families are one of the pillars on which strong civilizations are built. The cultural and social changes in last 50 or so years have made marriage redundant. It is not just women, but even men find marriage and associated responsibilities burdensome and unnecessary. A large number of men don’t want to get married anymore. We live in selfish times, no one wants to give or make sacrifices for the sake of building long lasting relationships. All we want is the luxury & benefits of married life without actually working for it and shouldering the responsibilities that comes along with being married.
Men pursue and women choose, but not anymore. What we are seeing in current society is a complete destruction of traditional roles. Everything comes with a price. Though the feminist movement has empowered women, made them independent and more resilient, it has created some unintended consequences. The marriage rates have plummeted throughout western hemisphere. Good men don’t pursue women anymore. Men don’t ask out women anymore. This aversion of men towards marriage has created a shortage of eligible men for women to marry.
Here Are 10 Reasons Why Men Don’t Want to Get Married
There is no incentive to marry
People respond to incentives, if the incentives are removed it is hardly a wonder when people stop doing what is expected from them. Traditionally men had three major requirements from women. First, was to be a loyal partner. Promiscuity from women has always been unattractive for men. They abhor the idea of marrying a woman who has been passed down to them from Johnny, Ron, Dave and other 10 members of a football team. Having multiple partners also compromises a person’s pair bonding ability, which has given rise to cheating in marriage. Second, was to be feminine. The idea of marrying masculine women is unattractive. Men would choose a feminine and caring woman with homemaking skills irrespective of her education qualification over an overbearing and dominating college educated woman. Third, was to be healthy in a sexually attractive way. The culture of fast food and unhealthy dietary habits has led to growing obesity. Men being men would always judge a woman by her looks. Marriage currently offers no incentives and men don’t want to marry anymore.
Marriage is not considered gentlemanly anymore
Men have the innate urge to protect and provide. Somehow the idea of chivalry became associated with oppressive patriarchy. This brought an end to era of traditional dating and mannerism. The era of traditional dating ultimately led to marriages. Now all we have is Netflix and Chill, Tinder swipes and arguments over who will pay on first date. The media too got overboard with portraying husbands and fathers as unnecessary and deadbeat. What was gentlemanly a few decades ago became toxic masculinity. Obviously the good part of it was that it liberated women from traditional gender roles but then it liberated men too.
Marriage and money matters
There are more college educated women than men in USA. More and more women are climbing up the ladders of corporate world. This was long due and empowering women is helping achieve equality. On the side note it is something that men don’t have any issues with either. The financial success of their spouse is low on their requirement when they look for a life partner. However, due to women’s ingrained evolutionary behavior, they can’t help but be only attracted to men who are more successful than them. With the abundance of college educated women, it is not possible for all of them to marry-up. The best way to go about it is to work as a team and not let the finances come in between.
Children and married life
With increasing divorce rates across USA, the alimony and child support laws can be very hard on men. The idea of losing your children, home and everything you have built over the years can be devastating. Women overwhelmingly win the custody battle and men know it. For some men having children to propagate their family name is one of the reasons to get married. It is not unthinkable that many men would rather stay single than to risk losing their children and house in the possible divorce battle. The cost benefit risk analysis tilts in favor of staying single.
Leadership role in marriage
Men have the desire to lead in the relationship and be respected by the family. However patriarchal it may sound but men just cannot help but feel emasculated in a submissive relationship. As fathers it becomes more critical to them that their wife respect their authority in front of children. Children losing respect for their fathers due to the way they see their mother treating the father cannot be discounted. There is no harm in letting the man wear pants in the relationship.
Sexual intimacy and marriage
After the honeymoon phase, priorities change and the intimacy between couples take a downward spiral. The married men actually receive less sex than the unmarried men in relationships. This makes men resent marriage even more. They come to the conclusion that staying as a boyfriend is better than committing to marriage.
Give and take aspect of Relationship
Traditionally men married for sex and women married to gain financial security for them and their children. It is not so anymore, women are now financially independent and often put marriage and children on backburner to advance their career. Similarly, after sexual revolution men no longer have to marry to gain sex. This took tall on the institution of marriage. If you can have sex and financial freedom without getting married why get married at all? This kind of thinking has made the threshold of compromising and wanting to work on marriage even lower. A little argument or discontent and it is perfectly okay to take the path of easy divorce without any fear of societal shame. To men this mean they stand to lose more than gain in the marriage. They might have to support the ex-wife financially for years without getting anything in return.
Freedom in marriage
The biggest fear for men is losing freedom in marriage. As bachelors they can spend their time and money whichever way they want. A controlling wife can change their life completely. They don’t want to hear their wife nag about video games, toilet seats, spending time with friends, or doing any stuff that does not involve her. This in some way very much related to the age people get married. The mean age at which people get married has shifted to late twenties and early thirties. Men no longer have to assume responsibilities of marriage until later and even then, after spending entire 20’s being certain way, it becomes impossible to change the attitude and perspective after approaching 30’s. Men don’t want to change their lifestyles to suite the women.
Peer pressure in marriage
The truth is men don’t want to marry because they have seen their friends and close male family members going through troubled marriages and don’t want it for themselves. For women the friends who are divorced bring other kind of challenge. For some reason, being divorced or a single mother is seen as being empowered and brave. The grass looks greener on other side. Taking advice from their friends and media encouragement some women destroy their perfectly fine households. Ofcourse it scares men and very few want to get involved with women who have multiple children with different fathers.
Legal risk of marriage
Legal risk in marriage cannot be stressed enough. Though the alimony, child support and domestic violence laws were made to protect women, but their abuse is rampant. Men risk going to jail and being incarcerated by society and media on false accusation. The legally enforced division of assets, pension and alimony payments are often unfair towards men. Court battles and false cases often destroy their entire career and future prospects. It is no brainer they don’t want to go down that path by getting married.
As a married woman, I feel grateful for my loving husband and children. Expressing the ‘gratitude’ for each other is the key which makes our relationship work. Happiness can never be long lasting. It is human tendency to want more and expect more. Feeling grateful to have your partner makes it possible to love each other and hold on the relationship in good and bad times. If people truly understand the importance of loyalty and gratitude there won’t be any fear in men or women towards marriage and lifelong commitment.
Emily is an INFP who believes that people should always live their lives to the fullest everyday. She loves her dog JiJi. Emily has graduated from University of Michigan and is a passionate relationship blogger who is looking forward to her career as relationship and dating coach. She is an avid book reader with special liking for romance, horror and sci-fi genre. You can find her on Tumbler.