Attraction, love and respect cannot be bought. Times have changed, generations have changed and gender roles have changed. Millennial generation especially find it hard to adapt and respond to these changes brought about in last 30 years. Careers and lifestyle are given more priority over relationships. Marriage rates have declined and divorces are common. Knowing your attraction triggers help choosing the right life partner. It answers a lot of questions like- When to stop looking for Mr. Right? Is it the right time to settle down?
Attraction just happens. It cannot be created artificially. Why is it so? The answer lies in evolution. Millions of years of evolution and related evolution biology have hardwired human brains to attract opposite sex in characteristic ways for the end goal of continuation of species. Many of my friends married men for wrong reasons. They thought eventually after marriage they will be attracted to their spouse. They were dead wrong. Most of these marriages either ended up in dead bedrooms or divorce.
What Triggers Attraction between Men and Women?
We are attracted to things that we don’t have. It is simple as that. You won’t find it logical if I offered you to exchange my $10 bill with your $10 bill note. They are both exactly same. However if I offered you a candy in exchange of $10, you might take it. Equality is not sameness. People in 21st century are just confused between both the terms due to prevalent gender dynamics and reversed roles.
Attraction between men and women works on the principle of opposite masculine and feminine polarity. Imagine a man trying to attract a woman by displaying feminine behavior or by wearing matching blouse, a short skirt, high heels and red lipstick. In his mind, since he is attracted to women wearing those things, women must be attracted to men wearing those things as well. It doesn’t work that way. It is creepy to say the least. Similarly, a woman exhibiting masculine traits would fail to attract the men. A woman might think, since I am attracted to powerful masculine men, or professional men with college degrees, high paying job and social status, men must be attracted to me if I have the similar career and status. They are mistaken. Such a strategy will not only backfire but also reduce the pool of eligible men for her. Men will any day prefer a feminine and youthful woman over a woman devoid of feminine energy and charm, irrespective of her education and career (Men can be gold diggers as well but let’s leave it for another day). Attraction exists and has always existed between masculine men and feminine women and it is not a social construct.
Attraction and Relationship Value
There is a difference between “dating attraction” and “long term relationship or marriage attraction.” People might choose someone for short term casual dates but will never consider them for anything long term. A lot of men might date women who they find good looking enough for short term relationships but they will never marry these women. Some women might entertain a short fling with a deadbeat hunk but will not think of him as husband material. Correctly evaluating and understanding the difference between these two attraction fundamentals can save a lot of heart breaks.
Food for thought-
Hypothetical question for women-
Who would you rather marry? The real Ryan Gosling or a bartender who looks like Ryan Gosling?
Most women would reply- The real Ryan Gosling
Hypothetical question for men-
Who would you rather marry? The real Emma Stone or a bartender who looks like Emma Stone?
Most men would reply- The look alike of Emma Stone
The reason is women marry up. Men marry down. This fact can’t be denied. Of course the answer of above question would differ if the question was about short term relationship, but for marriage and long term commitment men and women seek different things. A woman would want someone with stable income and high social status. They would seek a masculine man who can be a responsible father figure, someone who will protect and provide for their children. Men on the other hand would want someone who would appreciate and respect them for all the hard work and responsibilities they shoulder for the well being of the family. They would seek out a loyal woman who would be a good mother. She would nurture and nourish the family with her feminine energy. A submissive man and dominating woman would spell disaster for the family unit. Whenever the wife earns more than the husband, she loses respect for him. Whenever a man marries someone who is out of his league, he becomes insecure. The probability of a happy marriage when the roles are reversed is just too low. Men look good when they wear the pants in relationships. Don’t they?
A man who is desired by a lot of women signals that he is a powerful and high status man. He knows how to make the women feel special. A lot of women would want to marry him, if he is willing to commit to them. He would trade his commitment for the youth and beauty of the woman. On the other hand women who are casually dating lots of men would quickly loose her value. She is giving away her limited years of youth and beauty freely without receiving any commitment from the men. In future she might not have the youth and beauty to trade and secure the commitment from men she desires.
Relationships always work on a mutual give and take. No one likes to be taken for granted. Ask yourself what do you bring to table in your relationship? Gender equality in terms of laws and opportunities is good, gender sameness not so much. There was a reason old generations used to marry young, endure the hardships and grow together. The millennial generation of facebook, instagram and tinder prefers instant gratification and short term happiness rather than cherishing lasting relationships and strong family units. Natural gender roles are discarded. Single mother household are growing. Fathers are ridiculed and made unnecessary (A woman needs a man like fish needs bicycle!). Choosing to be a mother instead of a career woman now equals to oppression. Making a sandwich for your husband is now considered a weakness.
Intention matters. Taking responsibility and ownership for one’s life choices matter. There is nothing wrong with being career oriented or wanting a healthy lifestyle. It should be the matter of who you are and what you want. The Entitlement syndrome of Millennials of wanting to deserve the best without giving equal amount of efforts is simply not sustainable.
Emily is an INFP who believes that people should always live their lives to the fullest everyday. She loves her dog JiJi. Emily has graduated from University of Michigan and is a passionate relationship blogger who is looking forward to her career as relationship and dating coach. She is an avid book reader with special liking for romance, horror and sci-fi genre. You can find her on Tumbler.