Have you ever been in a relationship where you got betrayed? After being betrayed or cheated upon it is normal to feel anxious, sad and have numerous unanswered questions. You might sometimes think if should give them one more chance? But can a relationship survive when the trust is broken? When you love someone, you put your heart at stake. But how do you love someone if you can’t trust them?
It takes a lot of courage to open your heart and soul to someone and be vulnerable. Getting cheated on by the person you loved from the bottom of your heart can be devastating. The pain after getting cheated on is excruciating. You nurtured the relationship for years and now it is suddenly dead. With time the pain subsides but the scars remain. Learning how to get over a toxic relationship with your dignity intact is of utmost importance.
Many relationships end due to one person being dishonest to another. But that’s not it, sometimes people get too attached that they do not want to leave their partner. Even after knowing what he/she has done to them they want to stick around. You cannot change the fact, but should you forgive and take your partner back?
What actually is Cheating?
People’s perspective on what they consider as infidelity differs from one another. If you really love someone, and you want to spend the rest of life with that person, it gets complicated. Relationships require more than love. Mutual respect, loyalty, trust, hope, and communication is important for a relationship to thrive.
People who are sensitive to feelings might count flirting as cheating. After all emotional cheating can be as hurtful as sexual acts. Some people might even not count kissing and cuddling as cheating, if they have agreed upon what is acceptable and what is not. True relationships give you the benefit of being open about everything.
If the agreed upon contract of relationship is broken, it is considered as cheating. If your partner knows well that what they are doing will hurt you, it is cheating. No matter if it is emotional or sexual, any act that breaks your trust and make you feel hurtful can be considered as cheating. It specially holds true if your partner won’t allow you the liberty to do same thing as they are doing. For example, they hang out with people of opposite sex in questionable ways, but won’t allow you to do the same. They know they are hurting you, but then don’t want you to behave the same way.
What does it mean to forgive your partner for cheating?
It should be clear forgiving your partner doesn’t mean that you are going to forget all their past hurtful behaviors. Forgiving means helping yourself survive the whole stressful situation and gain your sanity back by accepting the fact and moving on with your life. Forgiving in a relationship gives more benefits to the forgiver than the person who is being forgiven because it eases a whole lot of burden and the forgiver can plan the future course of actions with a clear mind.
You are forgiving someone not because you want to forget those past sins that your partner committed, you are forgiving them to rebuild the relationship because it is important for you.
Realize that forgiving doesn’t always mean that you will continue the relationship with your partner. Before giving the relationship another chance, first make sure you and your partner are on the same page. That is both of you want it to work and are willing to bring the relationship back on track.
Do not force yourself to forgive quickly. If you forgive too quickly, your partner will be less motivated to fix their hurtful behavior in the future. You have been betrayed and there are lot of pent up emotions. Feel the pain and once the grieving process is over, take steps to accept, forgive and move on in healthy way.
Should you take cheating partner back after forgiving them?
You should always avoid taking back someone you can’t trust. Now trust takes years to build but can get demolished in seconds. Trust is like mirror, once broken scars will remain. You can give them another chance but ONLY if you can trust them like before. Remember, if they repeated same thing in future it will hurt you more. Always prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Loyalty is the key to a healthy relationship.
When you should forgive your partner for cheating and take them back?
If someone is cheating on you then it is the time for a breakup or a divorce, isn’t it? Well, sometimes the answer to this question can be a no, because when you are in relationship a strong emotional bond is made between you and your partner. The emotional and sometimes financial and social ties are difficult to completely cut off.
According to some past studies, partners who forgive each other in a relationship live more happily in the future. Therefore, forgiving the partner can give unlimited amounts of benefits to you and your relationship.
These points can help you decide whether it is okay to forgive your partner
- Past history of infidelity-
If your partner has never cheated on you in the past or in any of their past relationships, then there are high odds that the partner won’t cheat on you again in the future. This fact also gives rise to the possibility that your partner has strong morals and it is one-time mistake. There is room to make your relationship stronger than before by evaluating and understanding the exact cause and intention behind cheating.
- Visible guilt and remorse-
Your partner is visibly guilty and is remorseful of their mistake. They regret the fact that they hurt you. Your partner wants you to forgive them. The wrong they have done to you is eating them from inside. If they are sad and hurting by the downfall of your relationship, you will know that they truly want to be with you.
- Actions matter the most-
It is a positive sign, if your partner takes firm actions to show you that they truly love you and do not intend to ever cheat on you again. If the cheating occurred due to excessive abuse of alcohol, your partner takes action and quit drinking or atleast reduce it considerably. In case it was due to lack of romance in relationship or boredom, your partner plans a get-away or holiday trip for both of you to spend quality time together. It is understood that your partner will cut off all contact with the person with whom they cheated on you. You cannot move further if your partner insist on keeping the “other person” still in their life for whatever reasons. The actionable steps your partner takes will show you that saving the relationship matters to them and they don’t want to lose you.
- Shoulder the Responsibility-
How you found out that your partner is cheating on you should also be considered in the equation. If they confessed on their own, it is a sign that your partner regrets their hurtful action and is taking responsibility for it. If they make excuses even after being caught red the relationship is doomed. Accepting the mistake and taking complete responsibility of their action is a non-negotiable aspect of getting back together.
- Shared Goals and Future-
You can forgive your partner if both of you can still imagine a future where both of you can grow old together. The key is “both of you”. If you partner or you lack compatibility and motivation to be with each other for long term, it is best to call it quits now.
- Financial and Social Reasons-
Sometimes there is no other option, but to live with a cheating partner due to over dependence on unfaithful partner for financial and social needs. The matter gets worse if children and other dependents are involved. The first step should be to gain independence and self-reliance. Once the realization sets in quickly build the necessary skills and a support system to get away from the abusive relationship.
If you are sacrificing too much in a relationship, stop right now. You don’t want your partner to take you for granted. The more you do, the less they will value you. Your partner must meet you half way through. If your partner takes one step forward, you can take two.
Why you should not forgive the unfaithful partner?
Cheating in a relationship is a choice of the cheater, a choice they made intentionally, even after knowing it might hurt the other person. There is a strong reason and motivation behind cheating. Ask your partner about that reason or try to logically find that reason on your own. Being cheated on in a relationship can decreases your self-esteem. If you see a pattern or your partner is abusive and a serial cheater, then it is the time for no-contact and a clean breakup.
Why did your partner cheat in the first place?
Analyzing the patterns in your relationship can help you to make your final decision. There are two reasons why people cheat in a relationship.
Partner-Focused Circumstance: A person cheats in a relationship because their loved one was not putting enough effort into that relationship. The word “effort” here addresses both physical and emotions efforts i.e., sex and emotional attachment respectively.
Personal-Focused Circumstance: A person cheats because they were unsatisfied or simply bored and they found someone to entertain them sexually or emotionally. They did not have courage or decency to end their previous relationship before beginning a new one. Likely they wanted their cake and eat it too.
It is totally your decision to make if you want the person in your life or not. For most people it is best to leave behind the cheating partner and move-on with their life. Facts cannot be changed and love cannot be negotiated. If they cheated on you once and they hid that fact from you for a long time, you never know what else they hid from you.
Regretting or overthinking the situation may disturb your inner-peace. Your happiness is in your own hands. Nobody can hurt you if you don’t give them that power. Love yourself and be the happy person. Above all be with someone who actually loves you and cherishes every moment they spend with you.