Finding true love is hard. As a woman, who has tried all the dating options online and offline, I keep asking myself the same question over and over “Where have all the good men gone?” The search for a gentleman seems futile. Somewhere, something has gone incredibly wrong in the 21st century. The old style dating, chivalry and romance is dead. Now dating is all about ‘Netflix and Chill’. The dreams of women who imagined a Disney style love story and a prince charming have crashed miserably.
To better understand the difficulties of 21st-century dating, it is best to start from basics. Every relationship involves give and take for it to prosper. So what is the give and take between men and women when it comes to dating and marriage? From biological and psychological perspective, it comes down to exchange of Monogamy in return of Hypergamy and Polygamy.
What is Hypergamy?
Hypergamy is the female desire to want the genes of the best male. When provided with multiple options, women tend to evaluate the best male on the basis of his strength to protect and potential to provide for the family. In the dating scene Hypergamy translates into women always in look out for best potential mate and trying to quickly upgrade to the better man if the opportunity presents itself.
What is Polygamy?
Polygamy is the male desire to populate earth with his genes as much as possible. When provided multiple options, men tend to avail the maximum opportunities to impregnate all the receptive and healthy women for increasing the chances to pass on his genes. In the dating scene Polygamy translates into men always in look out for as many women as possible to form sexual relationship, without committing to a single one.
It is natural instinct for women to be hypergamous and men to be polygamous. It is innate tendency that nature has imbibed in our DNA for the propagation of specie. For a society to function smoothly, it is vital to find the mid-ground in the form of Monogamy. For a meaningful relationship bond, men give up polygamy and women let go of Hypergamy to form a family unit on the principles of Monogamy. The stable family unit, in turn makes the society as a whole productive.
First and the most important give and take required in a relationship is loyalty. Loyalty anchors the relationship and makes it fulfilling and everlasting. For both men and women, who are looking for serious relationship ask yourself this question- Are you willing to be a loyal partner? Are you willing to stay in a monogamous relationship? It is crucial to make monogamy a principle block of relationship and communicate this as a deal breaker at the very beginning of relationship to save yourself from the heart breaking pain later on.
The lack of societal restrictions on Hypergamy and Polygamy has resulted in the dating environment where both men and women are skeptical of the loyalty of their partner. May be once loyalty comes into picture both good men and women won’t have to ask “Where have all the good men/women gone?”
The 80 to 20 Rule
The other most important issue in finding good men/women is the 80 to 20 rule. OkCupid revealed the depressing confirmation of the 80/20 Rule. The data shows that 80% of women find only top 20% of men attractive. Rests 80% men are considered worse looking than medium. On the other hand, the curve is symmetric and chart looks normalized, when men rated the women. That is 6% are most attractive, 6% are least attractive and rest in between.
The question “Where have all the good men gone” is natural if almost 80% men are considered unattractive. The problem with 80-20 rule is the fact that while 80% of women want to be with top 20% of men, it is not true other way around. The top 20% of men are not looking to form meaningful relationship with all the 80% of women.
The 80/20 rule is another proof of hypergamous nature of women and polygamous tendencies of men. The theory of pre-selection which states that women are attracted to men, whom other women already find attractive, complicates the situation further. Women compete among themselves to be with best men while the average and below average men become completely invisible. This can cause resentment among the men and sometimes they give up on women completely. Hence the question “Where have all the good men gone?”
To better understand the competition between women and reluctance of men to form relationship with single mothers and women who were promiscuous in past, think of it this way- A Woman wouldn’t want to share her man with other women, for fear of his resources that are vital for her and her children’s well being, getting diverted away to other women. Similarly a man wouldn’t want to be with woman, who had been sleeping with multiple men, for the fear of his resources being wasted on bringing up another man’s offspring.
Is it fair to ask “Where have all the good men gone?”
When we have ignored the nice men all through our life who genuinely wanted to be with us to pursue the wet dreams of a mythical prince charming, is it fair to ask “Where have all the good men gone?”
Does this make us selfish to ask for good men now, when we are looking to settle down and want someone to provide for us and our children? Were we wrong to chase the commitment phobic men who already had so many women vying for them that they gave us no more time than just a night of ‘Netflix and chill’? The simple answer is no. Attraction can’t be negotiated. We went for men whom we found attractive. Making mistakes is necessary to grow up and find out what we actually want. We have done things that might not have proven good for us, but we shouldn’t berate ourselves for that. We were just trying to find happiness and make our dreams come true in our own way.
All the good men are right beneath our noses, but maybe they are invisible to us due to the glare of top 20% of rich and handsome men we think we deserve to be with. The only option is to rationally think what we bring to the table and determine if we actually entitled to and deserve the men we want. After all men don’t own us anything. A fair give and take is the only way for a happy life.
Any thoughts? Let us know in the comments below.